Without putting too much emphasis on it, I always know what I want to say or do and how to go about it. This does not mean that I always say what I mean (or ask the girl out of my dreams*), however this blog, as infrequent as it is, does have some sort of convoluted principles behind it based on truth, not lying to oneself and not missing the chapters where I screw up
Today’s issues are not truth or lying to myself but clarity of thought and what I want to say. I Googled “Writing therapy Quote” and was going to shove a pompous quote in at this point and pretend I was some sort of intellectual but really that would not be in the spirit of this blog. However the notion of throwing my ideas, and in this case my actions, down will help decipher the conundrum.
During the Born2Tri swimming session the whole club did a 400m time trail. As previously mentioned, Lane 8 is for Micheal Phelps and Lane 1 is for people with armbands. I am a strong lane 2 swimmer, so I was never going to challenge the top times. I did however want to destroy swimmers in my own lane. Not telling your closest competition you want to “smash” them is normal behavior, being outwardly competitive is against British social convention and is frowned upon, and rightfully so.
When mentioning times I would like to achieve before the start I said under 10 minutes is the aim and I would love it if I could swim under 9. The rest of the swimmer in my lane gave a slightly dismissing look to my proclamation. I guess this because they knew roughly what time we would all swim, around 9 minutes, and should target sub 8/830, that would be a good performance. In my mind I wanted to swim sub 8 and genuinely thought I could do it. I could not, 8:27 (38th out of 50 overall & 2nd in my lane) and in hindsight I am rather happy with that since I completely forgot how to swim (just panicked as this was my first “official” club timed swim, where others would know my time).
I can play poker but what I could not hind was my disappointment when I got out the pool to see my time. I should have been elated to have gone sub 830 after I claimed sub 9 would be great. There are many ways to look at this situation:
- The others in the lane think I have no clue about swim timings – I can live with that too a degree, as I am new to all this lark. Other than Paris Hilton, nobody likes to be viewed as stupid though.
- I did not want to fail to live to my personal lofty and ambitious targets and look the fool – Better to miss the target then not release the arrow.
- I lied about what I wanted to achieve to hide my ambition – This does not still well with me, as truthfulness is a really important to me (Sigmund, I had a happy childhood so drop it). The issue with this is that it could be perceived by the others in my lane that I was “pandering” and not wanting to embarrass them by saying how well I would do and then actually beating them when they are much more experienced swimmers and having the cheek to look disappointed.
In reality, I may talk a good game, I just did not want to set a target I did sound to beat. I wimped out on committing a target to the world and being held accountable. I may have avoided embarrassing myself by being overconfident and brash but instead insulted the others in my lane. Not a ideal thing to do when you are trying to integrate yourself in a new community. And longer term, want to win club newcomer of the year (committed that to the world).
The flip-side to all this is that I am massively over thinking this (and being rather self-involved) and my fellow swimmers just think I am little clueless.
*In this case, I know I should just ask her out instead of trying to fashion chance encounters, sending sporadic text messages and gushing over, even though they are awesome, their achievements and general being.